So Saturday night I'm sure you were all in the same predicament that I was. New years eve, far too much rum in the system, and spending the count down alone because you're too busy shouting 'JAGERBOMB!' at the poor bar maid. After this series of events I turned to everyone's favourite intoxicated activity, drunken texts.
(this is not my phone, but might have well as been.)
My lucky candidate was a Cornish friend as equally intoxicated, so conversation undoubtedly lead to our sad single lives. At one point in the conversation I went on to declare 'You are the love of my life and all we need is each other and then boys are just silly things to have fun with when we're drunk.' (this is not a direct quote, silly bbm deleted.) I was then apparently declaring to everyone that this is what my next blog would be on, and I thought I should act on at least one of my drunken blog ideas so here we go.
I have always been a firm believer in chicks before dicks and in a man's case bros before hoes, it works both ways, your friends MUST come first. I think a certain amount of couples seem to have watched far too many Disney movies or are off their face on laughing gas and think they are gonna be with their current partner forever, yeah right me and my pet flying pig are just gonna walk round to our best friend Johnny Depp's house and discuss when Hell is going to freeze over. I hate to be the bringer of bad news but it ain't gonna happen, in fact I can almost guarantee it for about 99% of these couples (there's always one couple that actually do stay together and we all hate them, also like to acknowledge how statistical I'm being this week and how inaccurate these statistics probably are.)
I know there's gonna be some couples sat there now, reading this together, finding it hard to scroll down the page because they're too busy holding hands, saying 'oah don't worry sweetie, she's just a cynical lonely old b**ch, we'll be together forever.' Nah ahhh, the amount of times I have heard friends say this then watch their relationship wash down the plug hole is UNBELIEVABLE. So when this happens to you I'm just gonna be right there laughing in your face.
(See that look on Lady's face? She definitely is pissed off that, one she's having to share that spag bol and two, this guy, who's punching way above his weight by the way, is about to put his moves on her.)
But the sad thing is, I won't be, I will be the one sat there holding your hand while you watch Love Actually and you say things like 'that used to be us!' (It never did) despite the fact you managed to be having too much fun with your Mr Wrong to ever hold my hand when I'm busy crying over something as pitiful as 13 going on 30.
So this is when I realise that boyfriends do not work. In any situation, your boyfriend, your friend's boyfriend, they don't work. I would just like to point out that I'm not saying boys don't work, I do enjoy the odd boy, just not boyfriends.
I literally hate about 98% of my friends boyfs, maybe that's because I only ever here the bad things about them but still its a pretty high percentage (it would have been 97% but one boyfriend has recently been depleted.) So once upon a time I had an altercation with a friend's boyfriend (was totally all his fault he was so so rude) this then ended up in an altercation with the friend because she stuck by his side, and see boyfriends are the root of all evil.
I think the worst thing in the world (not worse than cancer or atomic bombs but just to emphasise the point) is when a girl substitutes their boyfriend for friends. If anything they're not gonna understand any of your in jokes plus who the hell are you gonna moan about your relationship to? The logistics are mind boggling! The biggest crime is when they try to get you to be friends with their boyf, I wanna spend time with you not your neurotic other half, the only exception is if they were part of our friendship group before, that I can forgive.
(see how much fun that guy on the left is trying to have? he's bought along his board and his friend has bought along his relationship, kill joy.)
I understand that this all sounds a little like a coming out blog, I assure you it's not, you'd know about it if it was. But I see it all the time normal boys turn into boyfriends, go skitz and lock you away like Rapunzel.I have fallen totally in love with male friends before because I have been their ‘number one girl’ or their ‘go-to girl’ and been much more pleased with that complement than I have ever been with any boyfriend. If friends with benefits actually worked, which as we have realised definitely don't, that is how I would conduct my relationship.
(Gonna be awkward tomorrow)
Right rant over. All I can say is that my drunken text had some truth in it. I think the only healthy way to love someone and have soul mates is with friends cause that is a relationship that can go the distance and if you're lucky you might find a boy who has the same thinking then that's just great.
Maybe I can get around this issue by having a manfriend rather than a boyfriend? Maybe I should write a blog about fashion next week? Maybe leave helpful suggestions on my facebook page? Maybe I do deserve things from the urban outfitters sale? maybe I should ask my Cornish friend to marry me?
Not looking forward to the friend's questioning 'is it my boyfriend you hate?' It's not gonna be is it.
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