with rings on her fingers and bells on her toes

Going through airport security never used to be an issue for me. I used to scamper through the metal detector without a care in the world because the most metal that was on me was a bit of tin foil that had wrapped some bake good that I binge ate for non stop for the first 14 years of my life leaving me to recompense by eating things like quinoa for dinner.


Anyway going a little off point there. On a recent trip to my local o2 academy for, lets not tiptoe around the issue, a bit of drunken fun. They had installed the super fun feature of a metal detector (so I can't take any scissors out with me anymore, darn.) I hadn't been through a metal detector for a while and this was the most metal detector fun I could afford for a while because heading off to Cannes to meet Mark-Francis and his trusty maid Gianna is a little out of my price range thanks to a certain Estate Agents.


It turned out my scampering days were over it took me a good 10 minutes to get through the metal detector because my jewellery collection no longer consisted of a obligatory pre-teen leather thong necklace with a sickeningly dull shell pendent. 5 rings and several ear cuffs later I was in. This bought to my attention that I have become a jingling jangling jewellery wearing female equivalent of Jack Sparrow.

(no wonder I had so much trouble getting in to the o2)

It is true that over the last few years I have become a lot more magnetic. I never used to wear rings (apart from that one ring I always wear on my right hand that I have worn for so long it has actually merged into my finger leaving a rather embarrassing indent and exposing my chubby fingers, its like my ring has a muffin top.) But my stocking was stacked full of rings last Christmas (take it away George!) So why has jewellery suddenly become such a huge part of my life and am I just downhill from here looking like Jacqueline Wilson at the age of 19.

(I look a little like this but cheaper)

I recently read Closet Confidential in ELLE, Roberta Benteler said that jewellery was her "armour." Lets do a bit of textual analysis. Does she literally mean armour as in she doesn't bash her knuckles when she throws a few punches, in which case I will be absolutely fine in a fight with my plethora of rings plus I no longer have extensions so I don't have to worry about those getting ripped out. Though I don't get myself involved in an awful lot of fisty cuffs and I can't imagine Miss Benteler does either.

(no doesn't look like a jezza k regular)

Armour is something that you can't go into battle without. It is true that a good piece of jewellery swung around your neck can completely flatter you (when I say you I mean me) because it sits right on my only boney part of my body, my collar bone. It's also one of those first date larks you're meant to deal with when you're on a first date (those of you who have dates) something like if you stroke your neck and play with your necklace he'll  (or she'll PC PC!!!) want to have sex with you.


Armour is there to protect you. And now that I think about it, people who have a really edgy tastes and claim to have pretty dodgy lives that lead them to go off the rails tend to have a fair few piercings and wear clunky chains and junk. So do we wear jewellery as a kinda protection (not like a catholic cross that's a whole different kettle of fish) do we actually toughen ourselves up by poking bits of metal through our ears, and protect ourselves by making ourselves looking frighteningly unapproachable (pretty sure that the reason I've had very little man lucky recently is due to the fact that I wear an ear cuff now and not because I'm a man hating cynical hair extensionless bum.)

(she's having a pretty tough times so needs a few piercings to get her through)

I might totally be over analysing and actually my new found love of rings might actually be to do with my total infatuation of Caggie Dunlop, I am completely in love with her and everything she does. I think I'm not the only one though with Urban Outfitters selling out of their two chain rings that she was snapped sporting. I think the reason it works so well on her is because it shows a more free spirited human side to her glamour goddess appearance. A friend once told me that I dress like I'm going to meet the queen, maybe my recent jewellery binge is my attempt to bring me back down to earth and perhaps make me look like I'm meeting a queen but not the queen.

(my kind of queen)

I think all too many of us neglect our necks (and other parts of your body where you wear jewellery but that kind of rhymes.) I think it displays real good taste to wear good jewellery especially not the stuff that's churned out by Tiffany and then by H Samuel and then by new look and then further more by Christmas crackers until there are too many floating heart necklaces in the world. Don't get me wrong they're lovely and all but not from the moment you get it until you die, it's cheating like a get out of jail free card it requires no thought or effort if that's all you wear. Jewellery is the one thing that requires thought in your wardrobe, you cant just look at the doll that the uncreative sales assistant has dressed and wear that.

(Couldn't not have a pic of our Caggs in here)

Proof that we don't pay enough attention to our jewellery was when my very stylish friend told me her absolute favourite was £4.50 reduced from £16 or something silly, its so lovely but no one had wanted it because they didn't want the responsibility of having to chose something to put it with.


Amber, everyone's least favourite character from made in Chelsea (that's the third MIC reference now I need therapy), actually said something that I was like 'hmmmm maybe that gals got a point.' She said 'I'm not one of those girls who can just wear a nice dress and wear my St Tropez as my accessory' (or something to that description I hope they don't sue me for damages cause I can't afford that sh*t.) Does this girl have a point? Is the reason piercings are so sharp because they carve out our individuality? Maybe.

(swear she's used a bit of st tropez...)

Hey all that I know is that cracker jewellery has an advantage when it comes to metal detectors but it will leave you with a nice green line. I definitely am putting any potential suitors off, the amount of rings I'm sporting makes me look like I've been married to some alternative guys a few times over.


I'm feeling like this isn't my best blog funny wise, I'm still in essay mode so apologies, hopefully I'll be back to my hysterical self next week.


God Martha Thursday is bloody arrogant.