First off I would like to point out that valentines day is not actually here for no reason. Poor old St. Valentine, he put in just as much effort as any other saint and no one wants to come to his party, every one always goes to Patrick's party so why not his? And here's a little bit of history for you kids. Although there have been many apparent St Valentines there is one particular story that sticks out; an imprisoned Valentine actually sent the first "valentine" greeting himself after he fell in love with a young girl--possibly his jailor's daughter--who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter signed "From your Valentine." (Yes I googled.)
(There he is being all romantic, using his best moves, and you lot are raining all over his parade!)
So there you are, quit your jibber jabber about it not being a real Holiday when I see plenty of you out enjoying the delights of St Paddy's day when your not even Irish! (though it is an excellent day for a certain Martha who was born that day, Paddy always tries to steel the glory.)
I bet you are all sat there waiting for me to tell you just how much I hate Valentines day, being the cynical misery I am. Well I hate to disappoint you but I don't hate it. So many people claim to hate Valentines day, even couples do but I'm gonna prove you wrong and explain to you exactly why I like Valentines day and why you do too (even though you won't admit it.)
(The Black Eyed Peas asked 'where is the love?' well there it is)
I am single. We all know that because I run around Bristol in my bipolar phase either moaning about how much I hate being on my own or how much I absolutely love being on my own. But the point is in my whole wide life I have received a grand total of 2 Valentines cards. Both off the same boy from a naively young relationship, where I was presented with a card and a wire sculpture which I mistook for a garden ornament and promptly rusted away like the relationship. But these two occasions were not my best Valentines not at all.
My mum has always, since I was born, got me a Valentines card. And to me that's just spectacular. She even once bought me a Valentines cracker that just made my day. And although my Mum might be a far cry from Francis Boulle, or Mark Ronson or that model I found in my Elle magazine recently or some other bizarre looking boy I regularly dream about, that card means a lot. It means that even if I end up totally alone for the rest of my life (having to wipe the tears off my mouse matt) and I wear those closed toe sandals and own a pleated paisley skirt, that some body will still love me, and I'd forget that if it wasn't Valentines.
There are many other perks to being single on Valentines day. There is the fact that the majority of your single friends will want to go out and eat food and get on it like a car bonnet, which sounds like a hell of a time to me. That's the kind of stuff I would choose to do on my birthday so the fact that I get to do it on a cold February week day suits me down to a T. There is also the fabulous fact that all the super markets sell these glorious 'dinner for 2' deals. As if any self respecting couple would actually buy this deal?! Firstly Valentines is the one day a couple is allowed to be sickeningly open about their relationship in a public venue and secondly those meals don't feed two! So it is our jobs as singletons to snap up that delicious dine in for 2 meal and enjoy it for 1 and thank St Valentine we don't have to share our 3 course meal and bottle of wine with another half.
(Far better than a snooty restaurant)
See, you spend so much time trying to distract yourself from the fact you're single that you end up having the most fun of the year. Valentines also has the whole notion of hope. That maybe this year some lovely young man WILL tell me just how wonderful I am (not so much inform me of this rather just remind me.) But I have to say a giant 'I Love You' bear is not at the top of my list. On top of all this, lets face it who doesn't love a theme?
(I have to turn these away every year)
Singletons aren't the only cynical sausages in this equation though. LOADS of couples I know 'don't really do Valentines.' Its like they're trying to prove they don't need material possessions in their relationship because it's too perfect. Rubbish. It's like that age old lie that presents aren't the best part of Christmas. Couples should embrace Valentines day, make the most of it because one day they might not be a couple and have to distract themselves in the ways suggested above. And surely, being a couple, you are sick to death of people like myself moaning at your public displays of affection? Yes? In which case enjoy the one day of the year that I am legally bound from gagging when you kiss in the street.
I think that men might also hate Valentines day? Am I right? I would guess that this is because you feel that it is your responsibility to declare your love for someone and that it might not be reciprocated. Well here's a new idea for you. In Japan it is only women who give gifts (mainly chocolates) on Valentines because women don't usually do that. Men return the favour on White Day on 14th March (I always seem to get my white day presents three days late on 17th March which coincides with my birthday...)
(successful White Day all round)
Boys you needn't worry. I would literally be over the moon if anyone told me they loved me, or at least thought I was alright and not because I'm desperate (I'm not, I'm really not) but because it's nice to hear that, you know? As I'm sure none of you would be at all freaked out if I told you I wanted to marry you and have your babies. But I'm sure if you presented that cynical girl with a Valentines gesture she would soon learn to love you and that 'I love you' bear.
(As your Grandma might say, it don't cost nothing to be nice)
Right so there you go. That's why I don't hate Valentines day and why you shouldn't. And if you're still feeling cynical then remember someone out there is always gonna love you! Even if she is your ageing mother! I know at least two lucky singletons that will be getting a Valentines this year (emoticon wink face.)
Happy Valentines!
Anonymous xxx
P.S if there are any living breathing men out there who were planning on Valentining me, I like flowers, especially if they're from the real flower company. I understand that they're might be quite a few of you, but that's fine I can probably have about 7 bunches of flowers in my room without it looking OTT.
Very good, but am I really "ageing"? xx
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