Here is my second guest post for the lovely blog Chic and Cheerful, please follow the link bellow to read. And whilst you're there make sure you have a little look around at what else Chic and Cheerful have to offer!
http://www.chicandcheerful.net/2012/02/friday-fashion-tip-how-to-rock-50s.html
Saturday 18 February 2012
Thursday 16 February 2012
Doing it doggy style
So you know when you just have one of those days. Today is one of those days. It started off OK, I had an apricot brioche for breakfast and who's not happy when they've got a french patisserie item in their mouth? But then my bus was an hour late, my sneezing ratio has hit a high, what with me carrying around a loo roll in my bag. And then to top it all off I just found a comment from one of my older blog posts by some nasty little minx called (better not give her a name mention in case she's the editor of Vogue or something) basically telling me that I'm not 'all that' and I don't have a clue what I was talking about and couldn't possibly consider myself a 'serious professional fashion blogger.'
I felt like I'd had a dressing down. I felt like what Andy must have felt like when Miranda Priestly let rip in The Devil Wears Prada or how Carrie must have felt when she got a bad review in the New Yorker in Sex and the City 2. But my bad review was from a nobody which makes it even worse.
And so it is times like this that we should look at the canines of this world for inspiration. I'm pretty sure that if I told my idiot terrier that I didn't think his tail wagging skills were up to much he would only waggle that little thing more. So I am going to take a leaf outta that book and write a stonking blog about how to achieve a great looking pooch.
It may seem like I'm going slightly off on a tangent here but let me explain. I am trying to get around all my requests for blog posts and one was dog fashion. Also we have just been talking about dogs. Also I am trying to write more about fashion again but keep it fun and what better way to do so. And finally dogs are the very best way of cheering yourself up as my hungover friend taught me on valentines day when she said 'Google image some Valentines puppies and show them to me, that will make me feel better!'
And so here is the ultimate guide to doggy (not dodgy) fashion.
1. Minimalism.
For those dogs who don't have time in the morning for loads of pampering, perhaps you're a working dog and a tutu would get in the way of all that drug searching or sheep herding you've got to do but you're still feeling like you want to make the most of your fur? Go for the obviously utilitarian fashion essential of the collar but mix it up by perhaps expressing yourself with a few flowers or a neckerchief. You'll have them bitches howling.
2. When fur isn't enough.
There's no shame in it, we've all done it. Gone out truly believing that our dalmatian spots alone will be enough to keep us dogs warm, only to come home with our tails in between our legs because, lets face it we ain't no Husky. A doggy jumper is the perfect half way point between being totally cosy and too cute for words (or should that be barks?)
(Oh my gosh, need I say anything? Who needs a man with one of these in your life?)
3.Haute Pooch-ure (meant to sound like couture not sure if it works)
Sometimes you're not just any dog. You're not some RSPCA pooch they found tied to a park gate and thought was a cat because you're such a mongrel they can't tell, you are the real deal. Like a Maltese or a Bichon Frise. You're like Kayne of the dog world and you wanna show them bitches that you are a pure breed with some dollar. Try Harrods for some truly extravagant pup styling. Its just a shame you cant do the 'vogue' dance move otherwise you'd be all set for cat or should I say dogwalk!
4. Indie
You're a pup with an alternative vibe. You tend to stray off the parks path and like the alternative scene such as behind the dust bin truck or even, if you're daring. venture down the odd badger hole to hang out with those of entirely different breed. You're individuality shouldn't end where your fur stops growing. Your owner might have something called featherlocks, well now you can beat them to the punch with your very own puppylocks, just make sure you listen out for cat bells, a scratched ear where a cat has swung for your feathery fancies doesn't live up to your cool vibe.
5. Dress up
We've all heard of party animals well what about party pets? Puppies enjoy a bit of Snoop Dog (or maybe its snoopy dog) as much as the rest of us and so what to wear to a themed bash? No one wants to look like a dogs dinner! Well the rule is the more ridiculous the better. As a dog you have the advantage of 4 legs meaning you make wonderful cars, dinosaurs or food items!
I felt like I'd had a dressing down. I felt like what Andy must have felt like when Miranda Priestly let rip in The Devil Wears Prada or how Carrie must have felt when she got a bad review in the New Yorker in Sex and the City 2. But my bad review was from a nobody which makes it even worse.
And so it is times like this that we should look at the canines of this world for inspiration. I'm pretty sure that if I told my idiot terrier that I didn't think his tail wagging skills were up to much he would only waggle that little thing more. So I am going to take a leaf outta that book and write a stonking blog about how to achieve a great looking pooch.
It may seem like I'm going slightly off on a tangent here but let me explain. I am trying to get around all my requests for blog posts and one was dog fashion. Also we have just been talking about dogs. Also I am trying to write more about fashion again but keep it fun and what better way to do so. And finally dogs are the very best way of cheering yourself up as my hungover friend taught me on valentines day when she said 'Google image some Valentines puppies and show them to me, that will make me feel better!'
(see can't you feel your troubles melting away?)
And so here is the ultimate guide to doggy (not dodgy) fashion.
1. Minimalism.
For those dogs who don't have time in the morning for loads of pampering, perhaps you're a working dog and a tutu would get in the way of all that drug searching or sheep herding you've got to do but you're still feeling like you want to make the most of your fur? Go for the obviously utilitarian fashion essential of the collar but mix it up by perhaps expressing yourself with a few flowers or a neckerchief. You'll have them bitches howling.
(Try a crochet collar for a homely look)
(or if village people is more your style?)
2. When fur isn't enough.
There's no shame in it, we've all done it. Gone out truly believing that our dalmatian spots alone will be enough to keep us dogs warm, only to come home with our tails in between our legs because, lets face it we ain't no Husky. A doggy jumper is the perfect half way point between being totally cosy and too cute for words (or should that be barks?)
(Oh my gosh, need I say anything? Who needs a man with one of these in your life?)
3.Haute Pooch-ure (meant to sound like couture not sure if it works)
Sometimes you're not just any dog. You're not some RSPCA pooch they found tied to a park gate and thought was a cat because you're such a mongrel they can't tell, you are the real deal. Like a Maltese or a Bichon Frise. You're like Kayne of the dog world and you wanna show them bitches that you are a pure breed with some dollar. Try Harrods for some truly extravagant pup styling. Its just a shame you cant do the 'vogue' dance move otherwise you'd be all set for cat or should I say dogwalk!
(Boston Terrier wears Juicy Couture)
(Pug wears Mulberry)
4. Indie
You're a pup with an alternative vibe. You tend to stray off the parks path and like the alternative scene such as behind the dust bin truck or even, if you're daring. venture down the odd badger hole to hang out with those of entirely different breed. You're individuality shouldn't end where your fur stops growing. Your owner might have something called featherlocks, well now you can beat them to the punch with your very own puppylocks, just make sure you listen out for cat bells, a scratched ear where a cat has swung for your feathery fancies doesn't live up to your cool vibe.
5. Dress up
We've all heard of party animals well what about party pets? Puppies enjoy a bit of Snoop Dog (or maybe its snoopy dog) as much as the rest of us and so what to wear to a themed bash? No one wants to look like a dogs dinner! Well the rule is the more ridiculous the better. As a dog you have the advantage of 4 legs meaning you make wonderful cars, dinosaurs or food items!
(Look out here comes the spider-dog!)
(Great for all those Halloween doos dogs get invited to...)
(a-ma-zing, if you have the patience to place burger king crowns on ya mutt)
(idog)
(of course the alternative would to be to shave your poodle into a camel, he doesn't look all that happy though?)
(and if you have a particular specialist interest, dogs are catered for in that department, may the force be with you)
I am literally embarrassed by the state of that blog, it really has gone to the dogs. Maybe that nasty commenter was right. I guess I'm not a serious blogger and I know for sure I am definitely not a professional because no one is paying me. What I know is that looking at a whippet dressed as a Star Wars AT-AT has made me feel a whole lot better.
Next week will be fashion hangovers, so you best you hope you haven't worn anything to be ashamed of! See you next Thursday for some more ridiculous amateur fun!
This blog is dedicated to the three legged dogs of the world- keep on hopping Pippin.
Friday 10 February 2012
V day
I couldn't not write a blog about this really. I think it would actually raise some complaints. I had some real requests this week, which I will try and fulfil but I can't help but be the glorious giver of love on this seasonal holiday.
First off I would like to point out that valentines day is not actually here for no reason. Poor old St. Valentine, he put in just as much effort as any other saint and no one wants to come to his party, every one always goes to Patrick's party so why not his? And here's a little bit of history for you kids. Although there have been many apparent St Valentines there is one particular story that sticks out; an imprisoned Valentine actually sent the first "valentine" greeting himself after he fell in love with a young girl--possibly his jailor's daughter--who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter signed "From your Valentine." (Yes I googled.)
So there you are, quit your jibber jabber about it not being a real Holiday when I see plenty of you out enjoying the delights of St Paddy's day when your not even Irish! (though it is an excellent day for a certain Martha who was born that day, Paddy always tries to steel the glory.)
I bet you are all sat there waiting for me to tell you just how much I hate Valentines day, being the cynical misery I am. Well I hate to disappoint you but I don't hate it. So many people claim to hate Valentines day, even couples do but I'm gonna prove you wrong and explain to you exactly why I like Valentines day and why you do too (even though you won't admit it.)
I am single. We all know that because I run around Bristol in my bipolar phase either moaning about how much I hate being on my own or how much I absolutely love being on my own. But the point is in my whole wide life I have received a grand total of 2 Valentines cards. Both off the same boy from a naively young relationship, where I was presented with a card and a wire sculpture which I mistook for a garden ornament and promptly rusted away like the relationship. But these two occasions were not my best Valentines not at all.
My mum has always, since I was born, got me a Valentines card. And to me that's just spectacular. She even once bought me a Valentines cracker that just made my day. And although my Mum might be a far cry from Francis Boulle, or Mark Ronson or that model I found in my Elle magazine recently or some other bizarre looking boy I regularly dream about, that card means a lot. It means that even if I end up totally alone for the rest of my life (having to wipe the tears off my mouse matt) and I wear those closed toe sandals and own a pleated paisley skirt, that some body will still love me, and I'd forget that if it wasn't Valentines.
There are many other perks to being single on Valentines day. There is the fact that the majority of your single friends will want to go out and eat food and get on it like a car bonnet, which sounds like a hell of a time to me. That's the kind of stuff I would choose to do on my birthday so the fact that I get to do it on a cold February week day suits me down to a T. There is also the fabulous fact that all the super markets sell these glorious 'dinner for 2' deals. As if any self respecting couple would actually buy this deal?! Firstly Valentines is the one day a couple is allowed to be sickeningly open about their relationship in a public venue and secondly those meals don't feed two! So it is our jobs as singletons to snap up that delicious dine in for 2 meal and enjoy it for 1 and thank St Valentine we don't have to share our 3 course meal and bottle of wine with another half.
See, you spend so much time trying to distract yourself from the fact you're single that you end up having the most fun of the year. Valentines also has the whole notion of hope. That maybe this year some lovely young man WILL tell me just how wonderful I am (not so much inform me of this rather just remind me.) But I have to say a giant 'I Love You' bear is not at the top of my list. On top of all this, lets face it who doesn't love a theme?
Singletons aren't the only cynical sausages in this equation though. LOADS of couples I know 'don't really do Valentines.' Its like they're trying to prove they don't need material possessions in their relationship because it's too perfect. Rubbish. It's like that age old lie that presents aren't the best part of Christmas. Couples should embrace Valentines day, make the most of it because one day they might not be a couple and have to distract themselves in the ways suggested above. And surely, being a couple, you are sick to death of people like myself moaning at your public displays of affection? Yes? In which case enjoy the one day of the year that I am legally bound from gagging when you kiss in the street.
I think that men might also hate Valentines day? Am I right? I would guess that this is because you feel that it is your responsibility to declare your love for someone and that it might not be reciprocated. Well here's a new idea for you. In Japan it is only women who give gifts (mainly chocolates) on Valentines because women don't usually do that. Men return the favour on White Day on 14th March (I always seem to get my white day presents three days late on 17th March which coincides with my birthday...)
Boys you needn't worry. I would literally be over the moon if anyone told me they loved me, or at least thought I was alright and not because I'm desperate (I'm not, I'm really not) but because it's nice to hear that, you know? As I'm sure none of you would be at all freaked out if I told you I wanted to marry you and have your babies. But I'm sure if you presented that cynical girl with a Valentines gesture she would soon learn to love you and that 'I love you' bear.
Right so there you go. That's why I don't hate Valentines day and why you shouldn't. And if you're still feeling cynical then remember someone out there is always gonna love you! Even if she is your ageing mother! I know at least two lucky singletons that will be getting a Valentines this year (emoticon wink face.)
Happy Valentines!
Anonymous xxx
P.S if there are any living breathing men out there who were planning on Valentining me, I like flowers, especially if they're from the real flower company. I understand that they're might be quite a few of you, but that's fine I can probably have about 7 bunches of flowers in my room without it looking OTT.
First off I would like to point out that valentines day is not actually here for no reason. Poor old St. Valentine, he put in just as much effort as any other saint and no one wants to come to his party, every one always goes to Patrick's party so why not his? And here's a little bit of history for you kids. Although there have been many apparent St Valentines there is one particular story that sticks out; an imprisoned Valentine actually sent the first "valentine" greeting himself after he fell in love with a young girl--possibly his jailor's daughter--who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter signed "From your Valentine." (Yes I googled.)
(There he is being all romantic, using his best moves, and you lot are raining all over his parade!)
So there you are, quit your jibber jabber about it not being a real Holiday when I see plenty of you out enjoying the delights of St Paddy's day when your not even Irish! (though it is an excellent day for a certain Martha who was born that day, Paddy always tries to steel the glory.)
I bet you are all sat there waiting for me to tell you just how much I hate Valentines day, being the cynical misery I am. Well I hate to disappoint you but I don't hate it. So many people claim to hate Valentines day, even couples do but I'm gonna prove you wrong and explain to you exactly why I like Valentines day and why you do too (even though you won't admit it.)
(The Black Eyed Peas asked 'where is the love?' well there it is)
I am single. We all know that because I run around Bristol in my bipolar phase either moaning about how much I hate being on my own or how much I absolutely love being on my own. But the point is in my whole wide life I have received a grand total of 2 Valentines cards. Both off the same boy from a naively young relationship, where I was presented with a card and a wire sculpture which I mistook for a garden ornament and promptly rusted away like the relationship. But these two occasions were not my best Valentines not at all.
My mum has always, since I was born, got me a Valentines card. And to me that's just spectacular. She even once bought me a Valentines cracker that just made my day. And although my Mum might be a far cry from Francis Boulle, or Mark Ronson or that model I found in my Elle magazine recently or some other bizarre looking boy I regularly dream about, that card means a lot. It means that even if I end up totally alone for the rest of my life (having to wipe the tears off my mouse matt) and I wear those closed toe sandals and own a pleated paisley skirt, that some body will still love me, and I'd forget that if it wasn't Valentines.
There are many other perks to being single on Valentines day. There is the fact that the majority of your single friends will want to go out and eat food and get on it like a car bonnet, which sounds like a hell of a time to me. That's the kind of stuff I would choose to do on my birthday so the fact that I get to do it on a cold February week day suits me down to a T. There is also the fabulous fact that all the super markets sell these glorious 'dinner for 2' deals. As if any self respecting couple would actually buy this deal?! Firstly Valentines is the one day a couple is allowed to be sickeningly open about their relationship in a public venue and secondly those meals don't feed two! So it is our jobs as singletons to snap up that delicious dine in for 2 meal and enjoy it for 1 and thank St Valentine we don't have to share our 3 course meal and bottle of wine with another half.
(Far better than a snooty restaurant)
See, you spend so much time trying to distract yourself from the fact you're single that you end up having the most fun of the year. Valentines also has the whole notion of hope. That maybe this year some lovely young man WILL tell me just how wonderful I am (not so much inform me of this rather just remind me.) But I have to say a giant 'I Love You' bear is not at the top of my list. On top of all this, lets face it who doesn't love a theme?
(I have to turn these away every year)
Singletons aren't the only cynical sausages in this equation though. LOADS of couples I know 'don't really do Valentines.' Its like they're trying to prove they don't need material possessions in their relationship because it's too perfect. Rubbish. It's like that age old lie that presents aren't the best part of Christmas. Couples should embrace Valentines day, make the most of it because one day they might not be a couple and have to distract themselves in the ways suggested above. And surely, being a couple, you are sick to death of people like myself moaning at your public displays of affection? Yes? In which case enjoy the one day of the year that I am legally bound from gagging when you kiss in the street.
I think that men might also hate Valentines day? Am I right? I would guess that this is because you feel that it is your responsibility to declare your love for someone and that it might not be reciprocated. Well here's a new idea for you. In Japan it is only women who give gifts (mainly chocolates) on Valentines because women don't usually do that. Men return the favour on White Day on 14th March (I always seem to get my white day presents three days late on 17th March which coincides with my birthday...)
(successful White Day all round)
Boys you needn't worry. I would literally be over the moon if anyone told me they loved me, or at least thought I was alright and not because I'm desperate (I'm not, I'm really not) but because it's nice to hear that, you know? As I'm sure none of you would be at all freaked out if I told you I wanted to marry you and have your babies. But I'm sure if you presented that cynical girl with a Valentines gesture she would soon learn to love you and that 'I love you' bear.
(As your Grandma might say, it don't cost nothing to be nice)
Right so there you go. That's why I don't hate Valentines day and why you shouldn't. And if you're still feeling cynical then remember someone out there is always gonna love you! Even if she is your ageing mother! I know at least two lucky singletons that will be getting a Valentines this year (emoticon wink face.)
Happy Valentines!
Anonymous xxx
P.S if there are any living breathing men out there who were planning on Valentining me, I like flowers, especially if they're from the real flower company. I understand that they're might be quite a few of you, but that's fine I can probably have about 7 bunches of flowers in my room without it looking OTT.
Saturday 4 February 2012
Brush yourself off
I am in a bad mood. I am sat here with a high pony in my hair, a silly cartoon t shirt, and a face of make up that Priscilla queen of the desert would be proud of. Why, you might ask? Because I am being Martha Marbles', Jenna Marbles alter ego and the most hilarious stint of what was meant to be a fantastic edition to my blog entries.
So I spent this morning dolling myself up, completely humiliating myself in front of my father by sitting in my room and talking into my computer filming my own Jenna Marbles spoof. But unfortunately my computer decided I wasn't as funny as I think I am and is refusing to let me edit any more than 7 seconds of video. I'm hoping that some day this blog will go up so I won't tell you all the hysterical ins and outs of of my completely degrading video et al.
So in light of all this, when I was deciding after another knock back this week, whether I was going to sit miserably in my house, (like Spongebob when he has vacation at the Krusty Krab, such a funny episode), or whether I was going to man up and get on with my blog I decided to blog about how to make yourself feel better when things don't go your way.
Right so your computer has crashed or you've cheated on your boyfriend or your dogs lost a leg? Whatever it is this will sort you out. What you definitely don't want to be doing is googling crappy magazine advice that will tell you to go for a run, or go to counselling. Don't do that. That will make you feel about a million times worse because you will be out of breath and out of money paying for some big toothed snobby councillor lady. Here's what no one tells you will make you feel better but definitely maybe will.
I have also used only Disney images throughout this blog because it was an accident at first but then I realised we can learn a good few life lessons from old Walt. Plus the pictures are so whimsical they're bound to cheer even the grumpiest grump up.
1. Get Drunk
OK, so this is the obvious one. If you're feeling shit then the get out of jail free card is usually this one because you'll be so blind gone that you don't know your own name let alone the fact that just broke up with your boyfriend. Also if you're getting drunk you're probably going out and if you're going out then you're probably looking pretty damn fine and attracting all kinds of lovely suitors (or ageing toothless married men.) And the next day you will be so ashamed of whatever huge mistake you made whilst you were drunk that you won't care about what you were upset about to begin with.
RISKS AND SIDE EFFECTS: Being drunk can often cause emotions to run wild and you could end up A:mouthing off to whoever your situation may concern, B: feeling worse about your current situation which can lead to running mascara therefore not attracting potential suitors (apart from perhaps the really hard core ones.)
2. Be Angry
I have found this method really works. Like for example just then when my blog just blew up in my face I could have been totally miserable quit Martha Thursday forever and sulked for days and days. But instead I wanted to show my blog a thing or two so decided to write this cracking little post. If you're sad about something it will play on your mind and make it worse. Where as if you're angry it forces you to do something about it. I have always felt much better after an argument if I have filled someones squash bottle with salt or hacked their facebook account.
RISKS AND SIDE AFFECTS: Don't let your anger turn to violence, no one's going to be getting over anything if you can't have a lie detector test on Jezza K because your relationship's too violent. And equally don't channel your anger into the wrong people. Don't cause further arguments by telling your mum her lasagna sucks because your annoyed with your lecturer.
3. Go to Disney Land
This is a totally fail safe way of making yourself feel better. The collection of whimsical characters will either completely lift your spirits or send you into an angry haze by the sickening display of childhood charm in which case you will have achieved the above step to feeling better. Just join with your fellow brethren and sing the gospel 'it's a small world after all' and watch your troubles melt away.
RISKS AND SIDE AFFECTS: A trip to Disney land is not the cheapest way to cheer yourself up, and you could wind up feeling a little more depressed once all the happy mickey hype is over and you've racked up a huge debt. Yes that Indiana Jones Mickey Mouse stuffed toy is simply Divine but he's not going to help pay your electricity bill.
4.Get a Pet
Sometimes it can feel like there is no one there. And you go out of your way to listen to completely ridiculous over the top sad songs that the Verve wrote about real tragedies like their father's death and you apply it to the fact that Tesco ran out of milk, or you handed in your coursework a day late. Soon enough you'll snap out of it because you saw that really sad advert on the telly about the kids in Africa and it will put your silly little problem into perspective. But until then you're gonna want some unconditional love. Now usually experts would say go to your Mother for this but she can be even crueler than the rest of the world when it comes to being honest because she's been there before. So get a dog, a cat, a hamster, a rabbit whatever just something you can cry away to and who won't give a toss about the fact you pawned your Grandma's wig for a can of special brew, just so long as you give em' a baby bell (don't give your rabbit a baby bell.)
RISKS AND SIDE AFFECTS: You have to be super sure you actually want the responsibility of a small animal in your life. I have a friend who bought a bunny because she was hungover, luckily she is a sensible caring girl who took care of her rabbit. But if my brother had done that I'm pretty sure that rabbit would be on that RSPCA urgent appeal ad as we speak.
5. Pray for it to Snow
Snow is God's way of saying, 'she sure needs a break.' Snow is the ultimate excuse to do absolutely bugger all. What better way to avoid a deadline or an awkward situation than blaming the unstoppable force of nature. You can sit in and eat canned food (though that's just any day of the week for one of my flat mates) watching New Girl and Gossip Girl or any program that features a girl you fancy a little bit who's gonna make you feel even more sorry for yourself.
RISKS AND SIDE AFFECTS: Does what it says on the tin, you are avoiding the situation. The problem won't melt away with the snow.
6. Kiss Someone
This works threefold.
1. You kiss someone so lovely that you feel so happy and in love and protected and cared for that all your troubles seem so far away.
2.You kiss someone Just My Luck styley. For those of you who haven't seen the film old Li-Lo is super super lucky and she kisses someone super duper unlucky and they switch luck. (That is literally it so don't bother watching the movie it is as bad as it sounds.) So there you go, kiss a lottery winner and your luck is bound to change.
3. You kiss someone vile, I'm talking absolutely wretched, looks like the Gruffalo's brother. You will feel supremely more attractive after that slippery experience.
RISK AND SIDE AFFECTS: Don't kiss ANYONE you know, lets not open up that can of worms, far more trouble than its worth. Don't kiss anyone in a relationship, you will end up with some unhealthy bruising.
7. Blog
And finally we have the ultimate way of feeling better, venting. A problem shared is a problem halved, and if your blogging to the whole online community you've halved your problem precisely 10,000,000 times. I don't think there's a problem any more.
RISKS AND SIDE AFFECTS: Be very careful what you say. I once wrote a blog talking about one person I don't even speak to anymore and about 5 different people I do still speak to thought I was talking about them. People get paranoid so you have been warned.
OK so that was the very late and completely improvised edition of this weeks Martha Thursday. I'm thinking of calling my whole blog Martha Thursday now, rather than fashion nerd, because I don't write about fashion all that often anymore, what do you think? (Not expecting a response you never respond just bulking out the end of the blog really.)
Anyway, I hope this week is a better week for everyone, I know quite a few faces that weren't smiling last week. But February is finally here so stop drip drip dropping those little January showers and put on a sunny grin! (Gosh how lame was that? Wait is it lame to say lame?)
So I spent this morning dolling myself up, completely humiliating myself in front of my father by sitting in my room and talking into my computer filming my own Jenna Marbles spoof. But unfortunately my computer decided I wasn't as funny as I think I am and is refusing to let me edit any more than 7 seconds of video. I'm hoping that some day this blog will go up so I won't tell you all the hysterical ins and outs of of my completely degrading video et al.
So in light of all this, when I was deciding after another knock back this week, whether I was going to sit miserably in my house, (like Spongebob when he has vacation at the Krusty Krab, such a funny episode), or whether I was going to man up and get on with my blog I decided to blog about how to make yourself feel better when things don't go your way.
(Alice is proof that crying is not the best way to get over a situation)
Right so your computer has crashed or you've cheated on your boyfriend or your dogs lost a leg? Whatever it is this will sort you out. What you definitely don't want to be doing is googling crappy magazine advice that will tell you to go for a run, or go to counselling. Don't do that. That will make you feel about a million times worse because you will be out of breath and out of money paying for some big toothed snobby councillor lady. Here's what no one tells you will make you feel better but definitely maybe will.
I have also used only Disney images throughout this blog because it was an accident at first but then I realised we can learn a good few life lessons from old Walt. Plus the pictures are so whimsical they're bound to cheer even the grumpiest grump up.
1. Get Drunk
OK, so this is the obvious one. If you're feeling shit then the get out of jail free card is usually this one because you'll be so blind gone that you don't know your own name let alone the fact that just broke up with your boyfriend. Also if you're getting drunk you're probably going out and if you're going out then you're probably looking pretty damn fine and attracting all kinds of lovely suitors (or ageing toothless married men.) And the next day you will be so ashamed of whatever huge mistake you made whilst you were drunk that you won't care about what you were upset about to begin with.
RISKS AND SIDE EFFECTS: Being drunk can often cause emotions to run wild and you could end up A:mouthing off to whoever your situation may concern, B: feeling worse about your current situation which can lead to running mascara therefore not attracting potential suitors (apart from perhaps the really hard core ones.)
(and I'm sure she felt much better about being banished for the woods for eternity after that)
2. Be Angry
I have found this method really works. Like for example just then when my blog just blew up in my face I could have been totally miserable quit Martha Thursday forever and sulked for days and days. But instead I wanted to show my blog a thing or two so decided to write this cracking little post. If you're sad about something it will play on your mind and make it worse. Where as if you're angry it forces you to do something about it. I have always felt much better after an argument if I have filled someones squash bottle with salt or hacked their facebook account.
RISKS AND SIDE AFFECTS: Don't let your anger turn to violence, no one's going to be getting over anything if you can't have a lie detector test on Jezza K because your relationship's too violent. And equally don't channel your anger into the wrong people. Don't cause further arguments by telling your mum her lasagna sucks because your annoyed with your lecturer.
(See if Simba hadn't been so angry that Scar had killed Mufasa, then he would have never had defeated him. I know we're getting pretty obscure now)
3. Go to Disney Land
This is a totally fail safe way of making yourself feel better. The collection of whimsical characters will either completely lift your spirits or send you into an angry haze by the sickening display of childhood charm in which case you will have achieved the above step to feeling better. Just join with your fellow brethren and sing the gospel 'it's a small world after all' and watch your troubles melt away.
RISKS AND SIDE AFFECTS: A trip to Disney land is not the cheapest way to cheer yourself up, and you could wind up feeling a little more depressed once all the happy mickey hype is over and you've racked up a huge debt. Yes that Indiana Jones Mickey Mouse stuffed toy is simply Divine but he's not going to help pay your electricity bill.
(See, just looking at this makes me feel like I've had a hefty dose of Xanax)
4.Get a Pet
Sometimes it can feel like there is no one there. And you go out of your way to listen to completely ridiculous over the top sad songs that the Verve wrote about real tragedies like their father's death and you apply it to the fact that Tesco ran out of milk, or you handed in your coursework a day late. Soon enough you'll snap out of it because you saw that really sad advert on the telly about the kids in Africa and it will put your silly little problem into perspective. But until then you're gonna want some unconditional love. Now usually experts would say go to your Mother for this but she can be even crueler than the rest of the world when it comes to being honest because she's been there before. So get a dog, a cat, a hamster, a rabbit whatever just something you can cry away to and who won't give a toss about the fact you pawned your Grandma's wig for a can of special brew, just so long as you give em' a baby bell (don't give your rabbit a baby bell.)
RISKS AND SIDE AFFECTS: You have to be super sure you actually want the responsibility of a small animal in your life. I have a friend who bought a bunny because she was hungover, luckily she is a sensible caring girl who took care of her rabbit. But if my brother had done that I'm pretty sure that rabbit would be on that RSPCA urgent appeal ad as we speak.
(See Flounder is always there with identical and sympathetic emotions, maybe I should get a fish next?)
5. Pray for it to Snow
Snow is God's way of saying, 'she sure needs a break.' Snow is the ultimate excuse to do absolutely bugger all. What better way to avoid a deadline or an awkward situation than blaming the unstoppable force of nature. You can sit in and eat canned food (though that's just any day of the week for one of my flat mates) watching New Girl and Gossip Girl or any program that features a girl you fancy a little bit who's gonna make you feel even more sorry for yourself.
RISKS AND SIDE AFFECTS: Does what it says on the tin, you are avoiding the situation. The problem won't melt away with the snow.
(You think that Mickey's smiling because of the snow? uh uh, him and Minnie had a spat last night after she caught him kissing Daisy at Donald's house party. He's just pleased he doesn't have to deal with it today.)
6. Kiss Someone
This works threefold.
1. You kiss someone so lovely that you feel so happy and in love and protected and cared for that all your troubles seem so far away.
2.You kiss someone Just My Luck styley. For those of you who haven't seen the film old Li-Lo is super super lucky and she kisses someone super duper unlucky and they switch luck. (That is literally it so don't bother watching the movie it is as bad as it sounds.) So there you go, kiss a lottery winner and your luck is bound to change.
3. You kiss someone vile, I'm talking absolutely wretched, looks like the Gruffalo's brother. You will feel supremely more attractive after that slippery experience.
RISK AND SIDE AFFECTS: Don't kiss ANYONE you know, lets not open up that can of worms, far more trouble than its worth. Don't kiss anyone in a relationship, you will end up with some unhealthy bruising.
(Look at Belle, she kissed a right minger and look how well things turned out for her.)
7. Blog
And finally we have the ultimate way of feeling better, venting. A problem shared is a problem halved, and if your blogging to the whole online community you've halved your problem precisely 10,000,000 times. I don't think there's a problem any more.
RISKS AND SIDE AFFECTS: Be very careful what you say. I once wrote a blog talking about one person I don't even speak to anymore and about 5 different people I do still speak to thought I was talking about them. People get paranoid so you have been warned.
OK so that was the very late and completely improvised edition of this weeks Martha Thursday. I'm thinking of calling my whole blog Martha Thursday now, rather than fashion nerd, because I don't write about fashion all that often anymore, what do you think? (Not expecting a response you never respond just bulking out the end of the blog really.)
Anyway, I hope this week is a better week for everyone, I know quite a few faces that weren't smiling last week. But February is finally here so stop drip drip dropping those little January showers and put on a sunny grin! (Gosh how lame was that? Wait is it lame to say lame?)
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