Lost in translation

You are all probably sick of my constant apologies. 'I'm sorry, I won't do it again!' and then there I go almost a week late with my blog yet again. I can hear you all saying "enough with the 'I'm sorrys' how about not doing anything to be sorry for?" Well in reply to that, all my lovely loyal readers, I promise that in two weeks when everything has settled down between us and I am back at uni I will be totally committed to you.

The cause to my delay is that fashion nerd has become uni nerd over the past month or so. I have become almost a university guru to oncoming freshers. I have been offering out much demanded advice on what to bring, how to get freshers tickets, how to meet people blah blah blah. Seriously UCAS should pay me some dollar cause I'm pretty sure these kids couldn't do it without me ;) (cheeky text face wink to indicate I don't really think I'm that brilliant.)

But surprisingly one of the biggest questions I got asked was 'what on earth shall I wear?!' Hmmmm what an intriguing question. Surely you wear what you would wear any old day of the week for 2 reasons;

1- Your moving house practical wear is usually required.

2- By wearing what you would usually wear you are giving an accurate representation of what you will look     like in weeks to come. (These people will no doubt see you looking your worst anyway IE no make up, granny PJs and crying because you're so hungover you can't speak.)

(This is what freshers fashion will mainly consist of, however best not to turn up like this, I don't know these people)

Now unfortunately I can not back up my argument because I remember fretting so much about what to wear and making a real effort to look nice but then again not too nice on moving day. I also completely freaked out my former flat mates when later on in the year I recited the exact outfits they wore on moving day, (I can always remember what people were wearing when I first met them, it's a gift.) So could this mean that actually first impressions do count because I can still remember that one of my flatmates wore pink jeans, a grey cardie, white vest and sandals and another wore a blue superdry hoodie and dark blue jeans? (Really hope they're reading this now and being equally freaked out.)

On my recent jolly up to Manchester I met up with one particularly curly friend  of mine who is off to UEA in September. She was having a dilemma with the particularly tricky subject on whether to re-shave part of her head again. Now I thought it looked pretty cool, edgy and VERY her. But she was worried that it would just be too extreme and give off the wrong impressions.

But it worked for her in Manchester so why not UEA? Can style really not get translated from place to place? I remember when I moved from Manchester to Dorset begging my mum to buy me a whole new wardrobe because my slightly wackier city fashion got totally mis-translated and came out as gobbledygook. But I soon found that it was very easy to fit in because of the lack of variety that was on offer. It wasn't that they didn't understand what I was wearing it just wasn't in their fashion vocabulary. Exeter high street, until very recently, was like an arm pit, it stank. I'm hoping that the soon to be Urban Outfitters there will spice things up a bit.

(Definitely do not turn up on your first day like these eager beavers, you don't want to come across mad keen!)

My mum gave me the Guardians 'Fresher 2011' guide the other day (I'm not a fresher bless her) and the style advice in there literally made me want to start crying, looksy I will show you....

She looks very, VERY play it safe boring. That top is hideous and it doesn't fit her. I love the Guardian but please for your own sakes ignore this advice and just wear something lovely, something you really like that expresses who you are.  Sooner or later everyone will find out that actually you are a bit of a freak and you don't like to dress like simple sally to the left of us.  University is a pool of young exciting people who are probably equally as worried on whether to shave their head or wear their leather shorts or tattoo their forehead. Most university's fashion sense is bilingual and someone is bound to speak your style.

Just be you, they'll all love ya!

Also apologies to anyone who does in fact own this top but I am sure you would wear it with something less dull and buy the correct size. Oh and my curly Mancunian shave your head, it looks great!

Funny girls

For all of the funny girls.


So, once again my blog is late (they should call me Martha ....day.) Apologies, I spent the most part of my week trying to be topical, racking my brains trying to somehow relate my blog back to the riots but I just didn't think that writing about the best balaclava or who's k-swiss I preferred was really very fashion nerd.


Recently I have found myself a little lacking in self confidence, (people who know me will know this is not really one of my usual traits.) Over the summer I have been to stay with a few uni friends and been out on the town, on the 'razz' if you will, and have begun to notice a rather repetitive system. To begin with all, ALL, of the boys will surround my friends and once they have found out they are unavailable they will turn to me, charming. You see I have this habit of tending to make friends with really stunning girls, I think perhaps I need to hang around outside the Jeremy Kyle set and then maybe I could look slightly more stunning.


In a sober situation I'm fine, on a roll! I can charm everyone with my jokes (I don't like to blow my own trumpet but when it comes to funny I like to think I'm a bit of alright, correct me if I'm wrong.) But when your out and talking isn't really an option because Calvin Harris is insisting on having his say on the dance floor, a personality is neither here nor there, my comedy routine is at a complete waste in oceana. You have to wear your personality on your face and body, in other words be fit. But what happens when you're the funny one? Velma always solved the mysteries but Daphne always got Fred and Velma was always having to traipse round by herself not even allowed to tag along with Shaggy and Scooby. And as Chandler always said no-one really wants to be the funny one.

(Chandler, me and you are on the same page mate)

Now don't get me wrong I know I'm not hideous, I would class myself as perfectly decent looking (its very hard to not sound like I'm putting myself down or being completely arrogant in this blog), but I just don't consider myself 'fit'. I'm the kind of girl guys like once they get to know me and then even then chances are its more in a sisterly way or a back up (the amount of guys I've promised to marry if we're still both alone by 40!) So this summer when I found myself looking to change my body image, all of the end results that I pictured were the classical 'fitness' that men tend to scurry after.


So what is fit? What are the rules? How do you become one of these girls? Here is my comprehensive list on what is required to become fit on a night out....


1. The body-con skirt/dress.
If you're fit you're wearing this, wearing this means you're fit. No self respecting girl would be wearing this unless they had the body to pull it off, or so this is what we lead men to believe so that it is so drummed into their heads that eventually you don't actually need the body, the dress indicates you already have it.


2. Camouflage
Make up, as discussed in my previous entry make up is the master of disguise. It enhances any fitness you already have and covers up any imperfections.


3. The Pose
Posing for the camera is not one of my strong points, I often deliberately make a stupid face so that if the photo turns out really awful at least I have an excuse. But to be considered 'fit' you need that photo. You know the one I mean, ladies's profile pictures with one knee bent, hands on hips, head tilted to one side. It is this sort of photo that will encourage lots of adds from bizarre pigeon fancying polish people on facebook.

(The boys just love the Mila.)

4. Dancing
Now the mistake I always make when I'm out is actually trying to dance, this can go very wrong, if you can actually dance then by all means dance away. However if you're like me and sign out the lyrics to the song then don't bother. It seems that a non-offensive sway and wiggling your bum should do the trick.


5. Hair
Men, on the whole, can't deal with crazy hair, they can't even get to grips with my full fringe! Miley Cyrus hair seems to be a favourite (and to be honest who wouldn't want her hair!)

(She obvs read my blog, she's even got the body con dress!)

6. Drink
With the right amount of Blackthorn in them any one can appear fit


Now I am by no means suggesting or encouraging that this is what is necessary for us ladies to do, it just seems to be the way to guarantee yourself male attraction, which is sad really. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and in the long run being the funny one tends to pay off, lets face it the body con dress isn't really marriage material and I'm pretty sure Velma played for the other team anyway.

Make 'em laugh

the beautiful lie

A story about make up


I have to first apologise for my lateness with this blog, I have been lounging around on the beaches of the Algarve neglecting fashion nerd. But this is exactly what inspired my beauty based blog. What is it about being on holiday that always brings out my beauty side? I'm never usually too bothered about it, as my long suffering house mate is well aware as I usually get her to make me up,  I'm fashion nerd not cosmetics geek!


Well when I'm stuck on the beach with my ever irritating relatives I find myself delving into the dephs of ELLE and VOGUE that I never usually read, you know the back bit where they encourage you to buy extortionate cosmetics. However in my desperation to find some entertainment I found myself fixated. I was always aware that make up could transform a look but I was not aware to such an extent or how fashion forward it can be.

Holidays also bring around the need for new cosmetics. Firstly everything you already own needs to be down sized to Sylvanian Families proportions, which calls for a trip to Superdrug, those miniatures are so cute! Everything needs to have some kind of  waterproof or SPF property, you don't want to look like the only ding bat on the beach actually wearing sun cream on ya face! Then  tan becomes a bit of an issshhh, you can't go off on holiday bragging about how dark you're gonna be then come back like Casper the friendly ghost so fake tan comes into play.... Though my tan's real, I can show you the bikini lines, promise!

(me after a few hours sunbathing, should have removed the sunglasses though..)

I always think that no holiday can go completed without Duty Free. Aaaaah duty free, your shiny counters and low prices allure me into buying so many items I do not need. This time I came back with Clinique lipstick in a candy floss pink all ready for puckering and some Lancome mascara. The mascara bought on a flashback to when my mum's friend from Windsor was helping me do my make up like Kelly Osbourne for a celeb look-a-like party I was attending (how deeply unflattering, this was 6 years ago and Kell was not in her heyday.) Anyway she said, with a london twang, "ALWAYYYS use Lannnncommmme mascara." So I do (when I have the funds.)

(I never usually take make up tips from a rabbit, but this one does wear Chanel. See! Who says animal testing doesn't have it's benefits? Just don't tell the RSPCA.)

With all this in mind, and on our faces, it's a wonder anyone can recognise us! You've watched those make over shows, you've seen what Trinny, Suzannah and Gok have done to these quite frankly hideous women, they look beautiful! This reminded me of something that one of my guy friends said to me a few months back;

"You know it's so unfair on us boys, you girls are tricksters thats what you are, you can dye your hair and wear push up bras and cake your face in makeup until you look stunning! And then when it comes down to it all and all your disguises are off you could be rough and it's really disapointing! I think us guys should have our scores bumped up, like if they were a 5/10 you'd bump it up to a 7/10 because we can't really do anything to improve ourselves!"

He's got a point, we have got it lucky, if you're an ugly guy then your ugly, we don't have to be born with it we've got Maybelline. I think when Paloma sang, "Do you want the truth or something beautiful?", I'm pretty sure that she was not in fact talking about her elledged romance but rather asking her boyf whether he wants to see her all bare faced after using a Simple cleansing wipe or whether you want to see her all dolled up in her finest Maybelline New York? 

So to finish we are all liars and cheating our way through life, dates and nights out with the help of concealers and falsies, and we all do it and all know about it and that's how it's gonna stay. It seems like make up is no longer purely an enhancer but a whole new identity. Everyone can tranform themselves, though aparently this rule does not apply to the elderly according to this fabulous quote from Nicola Formichetti;
"I think old people should just be old and go away"

Go on then... Bugger off