What to expect when you're not expecting

My weeks at the moment consist of very little. So I have blog pieces planned weeks in advance. Why am I late then? Because believe it or not I have been exhausting myself silly doing pilates and going to the gym, and those of you who know me will recognise that this isn't like me at all. I do surprise myself occasionally, I actually spent £50 on work out gear the other day and did something that I swore I would never ever do, give money to JJB Sports. You might then ask why I am not doing a blog piece on this seeing as it's such a rarity. But having planned my blog pieces weeks in advance I feel as though I ought to give 'em a whirl.

My weeks at the moment are very repetitive. I obsess about the fact that I am on a bread free diet. I occupy my time on pinterest or a weekly trip to the cinema. And whenever it was 2 weeks ago, I went to see 'What to Expect when You're Expecting'. It was alright, one of those situations when the trailer has the funniest bits in it and I much preferred Rock of Ages which I have seen twice this week. But anyway it got me thinking about babies. 

(There you are, best bit of the film on the poster, you don't need to see it now)

I realised about four years ago that I don't think I want kids. It happened when I was watching some channel 4 nonsense about babies being born. This once normal woman was writhing around in pain, it was like something out of a slasher movie and was made all the worse by  the close ups. I kept trying to leave the room but my mother assured me that once this brat was born it would be as beautiful and magical scene as when Ariel turns into a human and kisses Eric on a beach. 

It was not. Having the baby, for me, was the worst bit. This poor gal who's been huffing and puffing and contemplating a divorce for the last 8 hours has now got this wailing baby in her arm who cannot seem to contemplate what a lucky thing it really is to have such a beautiful and dedicated mother. So yes it was there and then I decided that I wasn't nice enough or patient enough or have a high enough pain threshold to endure child birth or children. (I also have huge commitment issues so marriage is probably off the cards as well.) 

(This is a more successful mother who is semi conscious enough to put rollers in her hair)

This then immediately categorises me as a bit of a weirdo. I realise that. When it comes to filling out passport forms in the future I will be that bitter teary gal who has to tick the single and childless boxes (and I find forms stressful enough as it is, they do, quite often, reduce me to tears.) 

You've seen what tabloids do to celebrities like Jennifer Aniston and Cameron Diaz (ironically Diaz stars in What to Expect when You're expecting, bit of a kick in the teeth), both middle aged, single and childless and branded as miserable, un-marriable and sometimes with lesbian scares.  But to be honest if at the age of 43 I have the career and the body of Jenn then I would feel like I had succeeded in life. And if I did look like that I would have far too high opinion of myself to think that anyone would deserve my hand in marriage, and who would want to wreck a bod like that with a baby?

(I could honestly go on and on and on)

Despite the fact that both these women have amazing careers and are beautiful they are still illuminated in the media as being a blip in the world of women, and the media is fascinated with them because they can't categorise them into a 'normal' woman box, and they are seen almost as a novelty. As you can see above. Is it really that weird not to want a family?

I am hoping that one day all my crap will calm down and the most patient man on the planet will settle for my neurosis and I will suddenly be plagued by maternal instincts rather than a desire to strut down the Kings Road with a heavy pout and dripping head to toe in Celine. But what if it doesn't? What can I expect if I'm not expecting?

Most of my friends have a 'plan' and they all consist of quite similar things. Married by the age of 26 is a general consensus. 2 kids by the age of 30 you know the drill. I have a plan but it is far more selfish and ALL career orientated, finishing internship by the age of 22. Full time employment by the age of 23. Executive by the age of 30. And I will be equally devastated if my plan is not realised, what is the equivalent of adoption or a sperm bank in the career world? Freelance? Or yet more internships? 

Christmas might be tricky. I mean as lovely as my flat over looking Hyde Park will be, it might be a bit lonely with a Birds Eye, who am I kidding, sorry Harrods turkey dinner for one. But then I could be one of those fabulous people who jets off to Sardinia at the drop of a hat and spend Christmas day sunbathing and assuming yoga postures. But then again,  it could always end up with Christmas with the parents...

(A very happy Christmas indeed)

It all comes down to being selfish. I am, although not wanting to admit it, entirely selfish as are most young people my age. The thought of not being able to just say 'right screw it let's go out tonight and drink copious amounts of wine then stagger over to Oceana for some cheesy repetitive dancing' makes me despair. The prospect of staying in night after night is just not for me.

I think the final nail in the coffin is the idea of responsibility. I like to think that if I did have a child it would be the most stylish babe on the block, however I do not think I am readily capable of rearing a child and shaping it into a well rounded human being. It would surely be an alcoholic by the age of 12 and possible even more cynical and sarcastic than I am.

(I honestly think any kid of mine could easily end up like this, or worse)

Do not get me wrong, I do not hate children. This is a silly thing to do as we were all children once and I know that I am probably more demanding, spoilt and selfish than any screaming toddler outside an ice cream parlour, I'm just a little bit more reserved about it. I like to think that at least one friend, after one too many chardonnays might make the mistake of wanting me as a Godmother at which I would try my very hardest not to outshine their mother.

(I did once play the fairy Godmother in a play, shows what a good actress I must be)

To conclude, what to expect when you're not expecting vis a vis the following. A.) a truly nice house, clean, how you want it to be, of IKEA show room standard, B.) Jennifer Aniston's body. C.) Freedom, you can go out whenever and wherever you want. D.) Companionship, you won't find yourself talking in constant baby speak as the only people you have time to see are your own kids, you have as much time for friendships as you want.

But as with most things every positive has a negative and here are the negatives of being childless. A.) a quiet house, unless you get yourself a dog, or a stay at home hubby it's just you on your own in that big ol' terrace SW3 house. B.) bad body, because you've realised that you actually want a baby and its all too late so leads to a biscuit binge. C.) Lack of freedom, you don't have kids? You don't have the get out of jail free card. You're boss won't cut you any slack and you won't have a job that allows you to take time off with your kids. D.) Loneliness, all your friends have babas to cope with so their social life is off limits as is yours.

So there, we're not biased over here at Fashion Nerd and have provided a for and against argument at the last minute. Even after those depressing figures I am not feeling even an inch maternal. Perhaps I'm a boy. Anyway, I look forward to all your offers of Godmothership (is that a word?) over your little darlings and I am quite happy to offer baby/maternity style advice for those who need it. And who knows maybe my tune will change and one day I will be doing a post on maternity wear? But then again maybe not.

(She'll be sad if her water breaks over those boots)

Next week the truth about love. See you then my wonderful loyal fans who have obviously all voted for me in the Cosmo blog awards, click the pink box at the top right of this page if you haven't!