What to expect when you're not expecting

My weeks at the moment consist of very little. So I have blog pieces planned weeks in advance. Why am I late then? Because believe it or not I have been exhausting myself silly doing pilates and going to the gym, and those of you who know me will recognise that this isn't like me at all. I do surprise myself occasionally, I actually spent £50 on work out gear the other day and did something that I swore I would never ever do, give money to JJB Sports. You might then ask why I am not doing a blog piece on this seeing as it's such a rarity. But having planned my blog pieces weeks in advance I feel as though I ought to give 'em a whirl.

My weeks at the moment are very repetitive. I obsess about the fact that I am on a bread free diet. I occupy my time on pinterest or a weekly trip to the cinema. And whenever it was 2 weeks ago, I went to see 'What to Expect when You're Expecting'. It was alright, one of those situations when the trailer has the funniest bits in it and I much preferred Rock of Ages which I have seen twice this week. But anyway it got me thinking about babies. 

(There you are, best bit of the film on the poster, you don't need to see it now)

I realised about four years ago that I don't think I want kids. It happened when I was watching some channel 4 nonsense about babies being born. This once normal woman was writhing around in pain, it was like something out of a slasher movie and was made all the worse by  the close ups. I kept trying to leave the room but my mother assured me that once this brat was born it would be as beautiful and magical scene as when Ariel turns into a human and kisses Eric on a beach. 

It was not. Having the baby, for me, was the worst bit. This poor gal who's been huffing and puffing and contemplating a divorce for the last 8 hours has now got this wailing baby in her arm who cannot seem to contemplate what a lucky thing it really is to have such a beautiful and dedicated mother. So yes it was there and then I decided that I wasn't nice enough or patient enough or have a high enough pain threshold to endure child birth or children. (I also have huge commitment issues so marriage is probably off the cards as well.) 

(This is a more successful mother who is semi conscious enough to put rollers in her hair)

This then immediately categorises me as a bit of a weirdo. I realise that. When it comes to filling out passport forms in the future I will be that bitter teary gal who has to tick the single and childless boxes (and I find forms stressful enough as it is, they do, quite often, reduce me to tears.) 

You've seen what tabloids do to celebrities like Jennifer Aniston and Cameron Diaz (ironically Diaz stars in What to Expect when You're expecting, bit of a kick in the teeth), both middle aged, single and childless and branded as miserable, un-marriable and sometimes with lesbian scares.  But to be honest if at the age of 43 I have the career and the body of Jenn then I would feel like I had succeeded in life. And if I did look like that I would have far too high opinion of myself to think that anyone would deserve my hand in marriage, and who would want to wreck a bod like that with a baby?

(I could honestly go on and on and on)

Despite the fact that both these women have amazing careers and are beautiful they are still illuminated in the media as being a blip in the world of women, and the media is fascinated with them because they can't categorise them into a 'normal' woman box, and they are seen almost as a novelty. As you can see above. Is it really that weird not to want a family?

I am hoping that one day all my crap will calm down and the most patient man on the planet will settle for my neurosis and I will suddenly be plagued by maternal instincts rather than a desire to strut down the Kings Road with a heavy pout and dripping head to toe in Celine. But what if it doesn't? What can I expect if I'm not expecting?

Most of my friends have a 'plan' and they all consist of quite similar things. Married by the age of 26 is a general consensus. 2 kids by the age of 30 you know the drill. I have a plan but it is far more selfish and ALL career orientated, finishing internship by the age of 22. Full time employment by the age of 23. Executive by the age of 30. And I will be equally devastated if my plan is not realised, what is the equivalent of adoption or a sperm bank in the career world? Freelance? Or yet more internships? 

Christmas might be tricky. I mean as lovely as my flat over looking Hyde Park will be, it might be a bit lonely with a Birds Eye, who am I kidding, sorry Harrods turkey dinner for one. But then I could be one of those fabulous people who jets off to Sardinia at the drop of a hat and spend Christmas day sunbathing and assuming yoga postures. But then again,  it could always end up with Christmas with the parents...

(A very happy Christmas indeed)

It all comes down to being selfish. I am, although not wanting to admit it, entirely selfish as are most young people my age. The thought of not being able to just say 'right screw it let's go out tonight and drink copious amounts of wine then stagger over to Oceana for some cheesy repetitive dancing' makes me despair. The prospect of staying in night after night is just not for me.

I think the final nail in the coffin is the idea of responsibility. I like to think that if I did have a child it would be the most stylish babe on the block, however I do not think I am readily capable of rearing a child and shaping it into a well rounded human being. It would surely be an alcoholic by the age of 12 and possible even more cynical and sarcastic than I am.

(I honestly think any kid of mine could easily end up like this, or worse)

Do not get me wrong, I do not hate children. This is a silly thing to do as we were all children once and I know that I am probably more demanding, spoilt and selfish than any screaming toddler outside an ice cream parlour, I'm just a little bit more reserved about it. I like to think that at least one friend, after one too many chardonnays might make the mistake of wanting me as a Godmother at which I would try my very hardest not to outshine their mother.

(I did once play the fairy Godmother in a play, shows what a good actress I must be)

To conclude, what to expect when you're not expecting vis a vis the following. A.) a truly nice house, clean, how you want it to be, of IKEA show room standard, B.) Jennifer Aniston's body. C.) Freedom, you can go out whenever and wherever you want. D.) Companionship, you won't find yourself talking in constant baby speak as the only people you have time to see are your own kids, you have as much time for friendships as you want.

But as with most things every positive has a negative and here are the negatives of being childless. A.) a quiet house, unless you get yourself a dog, or a stay at home hubby it's just you on your own in that big ol' terrace SW3 house. B.) bad body, because you've realised that you actually want a baby and its all too late so leads to a biscuit binge. C.) Lack of freedom, you don't have kids? You don't have the get out of jail free card. You're boss won't cut you any slack and you won't have a job that allows you to take time off with your kids. D.) Loneliness, all your friends have babas to cope with so their social life is off limits as is yours.

So there, we're not biased over here at Fashion Nerd and have provided a for and against argument at the last minute. Even after those depressing figures I am not feeling even an inch maternal. Perhaps I'm a boy. Anyway, I look forward to all your offers of Godmothership (is that a word?) over your little darlings and I am quite happy to offer baby/maternity style advice for those who need it. And who knows maybe my tune will change and one day I will be doing a post on maternity wear? But then again maybe not.

(She'll be sad if her water breaks over those boots)

Next week the truth about love. See you then my wonderful loyal fans who have obviously all voted for me in the Cosmo blog awards, click the pink box at the top right of this page if you haven't!

Working Girl

It's Thursday, Thursday, Thursday! Happy Thursday everyone! How're you all feeling about life?


Now some of you may not be reading this post until evening time or the weekend because you've been busy bees working all week, and as many of you are aware Thursdays are a working day. This leads handily onto to this weeks blog topic, the wonderful world of work wear.


Ever since I picked up my first TeenVOGUE at the age of about 12 (I was very age restricted, I didn't watch my first 12 rated film until I was in fact 12 so this was pretty outrageous for me, reading a teen magazine and not officially being a teen) I have been OBSESSED with what women wear to work. I have dreamt of the day that I can actually look at ELLE's work wear spread and consider buying something without looking like a pretentious idiot, no one likes someone who works in an ice cream parlour to dress like a white collar worker. 

(Miranda Priestly, the Queen of work wear wonder, despite being fictional)

My fascination with smart dressing probably explains my fierce loyalty to shops like Reiss and why perhaps one friend of mine describes my style as 'someone who's about to meet the Queen.' I live in the country side and I am quite partial to wearing a low heel on a day to day basis. 


You can therefore imagine my joy when I am finally given the opportunity to dress like a pretentious, crease free working girl, I will be giving Emily Blunt a run for her money I can assure you of that. This September I will be work placing away in, can you believe it, London with an SW6 postcode, not quite SW3 but who's complaining! This has then lead to over addiction of pinterest creating a 'work wear board' and squirrelling away outfit ideas. (I'm not buying anything yet, because I will have obviously have lost at least 5 stone before September so my dress size will have altered.)

(I do hope that I can give her a run for her money, she is terribly well dressed)

Anyway, so what do you wear to work? In this blog I'm going to assume that you are all working in high class jobs that require Reiss' complete a/w collection (to be honest I probably went into my line of work purely for the outfit perks) and that you're female. So away we go after that terribly long introduction...


1. Trousers
It is well known that trousers symbolise authority, 'who wears the trousers' and all that so they will go down well in office. Like Melanie Griffith in working girl but without the bad hair. And with pyjama dressing on the up you can just role out of bed in the morning and jump on the tube, and let's face it your hair probably will look like Melanie Griffith. Here are the pick of the best.

2. Dress
If you're like me, you'll appreciate the importance of a good dress. I like to have several that I can rely on to make me look like I've made an effort when really I've made none at all. One with a sophisticated print and a nice fit that might detract from the fact that you've been up all night drinking (I have several of these on reserve for when I have to pretend to my mum that I'm not hungover.) It also adds a little bit of fresh air and femininity to the office.

(The shoes will do nicely too)

3. Shirt
An obvious choice, for both the female and male genders, or in between, we're so PC here. There is a way of getting it right though, and I think Gok would agree with me here. Too, too many women think that wondering blindly through Marks and Sparks and grabbing the first fitted pin stripe shirt they see is enough. It is my pet hate. Go for a softer shirt, fitted makes you look cheap and masculine and has that school girl feel about it, I'm sorry but it does. Pair it with the perfect trouser and you've got easy breezy  work wear chic. 

(The entirety of the Prada s/s 2000 collection is my work wear ambition)

4. Shoes
The delight of a new job brings with it the excuse for more shoes. I have just bought a further 2 pairs! When it comes to work you need to be practical but pretty, shoes are one of the few areas where you have free reign, but don't go for anything too extravagant because you need them to go with a lot of outfits. We can thank Miuccia Prada for giving us the perfect work shoe. Her s/s 12 collection saw the rebirth of the court shoe and made it socially acceptable to wear them again. Formally on a similar no-no par to the fitted striped shirt the court shoe is the perfect work foot wear as it provides enough height to be smart, but not too high so that you want to kill yourself by the end of the working day.

(Pair o' these will see you right)

5. Accessories
Now this is where you can get creative you lucky things. In an ideal world I would be purchasing a Hermes Birkin, but come on this is only a placement for Christ's sake! But you can go a bit mad otherwise. I don't suggest that you go to an interview donning your finest ear cuff but once you've got the job give your outfit a bit of personality. Metal collars and interesting hosiery are winners with me.

(Ombre tights with a black allover outfit= weekday winner)

6. Coats
Now this isn't a huge aspect of the working wardrobe because you can pretty much wear any coat bar perhaps denim. Yes I should mention that actually, denim is pretty much forbidden in the workplace unless you're a painter or a builder. But I wanted to purely highlight my desire for a feather gilet. A Chanel-Esq jacket will go down equally well, though it might suggest that you are in the money which therefore might discourage a pay rise (or any pay at all in my case!)

(Celine a/w 12- work wear heaven)

And that's your lot. I was going to mention skirts but they follow similar rules to the dress, just don't do a Bridget Jones and go too short, no one wants to be the office slut. I also realise that buying an entire new wardrobe for a work placement is perhaps a bit excessive, especially as I am already Reiss' loyalist customer.  Now all that is left to say is take it away Dolly Parton! 

The Back Up Plan

Don't worry this post is not at all based on that God awful film that J-Lo starred in!


Before we get started, some of the more observant amongst us will have noticed the pink cosmopolitan blog awards icon to the right of this post. Do us a favour and nominate us! Please, please, pretty please, think of all the wonderful posts that have brightened up your days! Just click on the image and follow the instructions! Thanks babes. 


Apologies, as always, for the late posting. I have been busy, being a columnist on another blog (British Style Bloggers take a look!) and being all grown up sorting out my work placement etc. Which brings me onto this week's topic.


So as we have all surely noticed, we are growing up. My most common conversation with friends at the moment is 'God, next year is my last year at uni! After that I will have to be a real grown up!' When I say a real grown up, I mean someone with a full time job, their own house, a dog and who's on the verge of getting married and having lots of babies.

(This is what my life is soon to look like, but with less false grins)

I am currently immersing myself in one of the above (not having babies, heaven forbid.) No, for my final year of uni I am to do a work placement module. Being the arrogant, self important brat that I am, I expected to send my CV off to ELLE and receive an instant reply with not only an offer for an internship but an offer as assistant editor. This was not the case. Turns out that me and half the globe want to work for ELLE and my CV got sent straight back due to an overstuffed inbox.


Since then I have been badgering half the written world to give me some kind of work placement, though I am perhaps being a little specific because I refuse to look anywhere other than London, London with an SW3 postcode. Even after securing a work placement it has been stressful. I feel like I've finally forced some bloke into going out with me and it's too good to be true and now that he is I'm like a psycho girlfriend and if he doesn't reply to my emails that day I get paranoid. I don't know whether to call, should I call? Or maybe add him as a friend on facey, no no no wait for him to add me. 


I did call and my work placement is sorted, thank the lord! But that's not my point. My point is, what if it hadn't gone to plan? What do you do when your plan goes to pot? What happens when you don't get that dream career and rather than that SW3 postcode you get offered DT7, (yeah that's Dorset and we all know how I feel about that.) I'm pretty sure no one in the history of their life has said 'well I'd love to be an investment banker but if that falls through I'm quite happy to be a milkman.' I mean does anyone actually have a plan b?

(I'm not sure I'd make a successful mime- notice how I'm using children's toys to illustrate the post, as that way I can't offend any full time working mimes)

Went to see me old mucker, local bestie the other night. And she had the plan b of kings (though ironically kings don't tend to need a plan b with all that dosh and being set up for life and all that.) She has to be the most fickle person I know when it comes to 'what I want to be when I grow up.' It has ranged from teachers to writers to child psychologists and it varies daily. She may not know what she wants to do but by gum does she know what she'll do if that day's plan falls through. She will and I quote 'get head hunted by a travel journalism firm' and then pursue a career travelling the globe. How lovely, and completely water tight.


If you are lucky enough to just snap up jobs and liaise with Made in Chelsea stars amongst other celebs like one particularly annoyingly successful friend of mine. Then what happens next? Does your plan A become the back up plan? Do you just lose ambition completely and feel like there's nothing left to achieve? Probably not, I am just saying this because I am completely jealous that the last celebrity I met was the Mayor of my village who shook my hand on coming second, not first, second in the jubilee shop window competition.

(I think I could do Andy Sax's job, and we look so alike as well...)

In life I like to think that I'm a glass half full kinda gal. I don't think I'm a happy cheery optimist because half the time (as regular readers may have noticed) I love to whine and moan and be quite the cynical little bitch. However I do ooze self belief. I am naive enough to believe that my countless volunteer articles I have written, and my dastardly good looks will be enough to land me the job as editor of ELLE. But when it comes down to it,  it's not what you know it's who you know, and I'm afraid my little black book leaves much to be desired.


I do have a sort of back up plan of my own. Though it is as equally unrealistic as my friend relying on being headhunted to be a travel journalist (I'm sorry sweetie, I love you but I just think your plan is a little far fetched.) If the impossible happens and I don't somehow wind up being the most desirable fashion journalist not only in the UK but the world, I will pursue a career in stand up comedy. I've been told I'm pretty funny and I'm pretty sure I could give Ronnie Barker a run for his money (especially as he is no longer living.) If 'Live at the Apollo' are struggling for space then I will make a spin off movie for the Harry Potter series. Something along the lines of 'Harry Potter and the job seeking journalist.'

(One Ronnie and a Martha doesn't have the same ring to it as the Two Ronnies really)

Now I can hear you all having your doubts, I know that perhaps there are a few holes in this back up plan but to be honest its my only option. I can't fall back on a career as a waitress because, let's be honest, it's too late for that. TGI Fridays will not appreciate all my writing experience, or my unenthusiastic approach to other human beings for that matter. My sarcasm and writing gift give me no other career option than taking Lorraine Candy's job. I also recently applied for a job at Gregg's, didn't even get called for interview. It wasn't even a swish Gregg's in Cabot Circus or anything it was just on some estate. Completely overqualified, that's the only solution. 


Anyway I would like to dedicate this post to my very trendy friend, who actually doesn't need a back up plan because she got her dream job in London. I may have to avoid her for the next few months because I'm  that sort of person who finds it hard to be happy for other people when I'm too jealous for words, but at least I can say it in writing.


Join me on Thursday (hopefully) when I will be discussing the very grown up matter of work wear. And then the week after for the even more grown up issue of babies (how organised am I, blogs planned two weeks in advance?!) Oh and don't forget to nominate me! See ya real soon!