The price of friendship

So for all you regular readers it will come as no surprise to you that 1. I am extremely keen on ALL of my friends (no jealousy please there is far more more than enough of me to go around especially after a recent gorge is Za Za Bazaar, if anything there is is a little too much of me.) And 2. I am extremely poor (probably not as poor as the man who sells Banksy cards outside Bunker in the early hours but still pretty penniless.)

(This picture does not do Za Za any justice, I literally nearly burst into tears with pure greedy joy)

You will also know that I take after my far too over enthusiastic mother in the way that I can literally not say no to anything, I am a yes man. My mother recently perked up with the fact that yes, yet again she was going to have to produce props for our local village play within a week. Did either of us say no? Of course not so rather than spending the last week of my festive period (I am not referring to a christmassy menstrual cycle, sorry that was pretty revolting but the joke was just there ya know?) drinking silly amounts of wine and drunk texting my Bristolians (this auto corrected to Brazilians that would be more interesting) I would in fact be constructing a cauldron out of an olive barrel.


It is on my recent arrival back at uni and a stolen idea from Grazia later that I realise that in fact being a yes man and a good friend does not always mix and gel and it becomes very hard to be both and sometimes even to be either.


According to this rather interesting and particularly useful article we spend on average £11,395 a year on our best friend, this obviously does not apply to me who tends to be a bit stingy and if I had that kind of money would definitely not be spending it on silly companionship (Jagermeister should write me a cheque for the amount of jager bombs I've sold for them.) This is obviously a guestimation for the working woman, which, as we recently discussed will soon be us.

(The friendship we wish we could afford)

Does this mean that soon enough I will be up to my neck in debt so I can keep a few chums sweet? Or worse off I wont be able to afford my friends any more? I remember those days when you were little when you could literally sit for hours pissing yourself over bear shaped candle having a bit of wax that dripped to look like a willy (not my story a northern friends), and that with a chocolate biscuit would have been enough to keep you happy for about 6 hours. Whereas now we're far too sophisticated to admit that candle wax willies are funny so we require a glass of wine, or a trip to the Boston tea party rather than name yourself Tapanga and pretending that you are climbing a mountain with a snow monkey (one of my favourite child hood games.)

(The lady on the left is staring into her espresso wondering where her next month's rent is going to come from.)

So my point is it all adds up, and don't get me wrong I love the Boston tea party and drinking wine but when you have quite a few friends and you cant see one and then not the other and you want wine with all of them (and lets face it we do) because you can't say no, then before you know it you're spending money like you're Richard Branson and the irony is you are in no position to pay your virgin media bill this month.


Everyone always selfishly chooses to have their birthday either in months of October/November or February, even if their birthday is not during these months they some how move them so they are (erhem certain 21st in London.) And because I am so poor from everyone Else's crippling birthdays I am never conveniently away that month in  Cannes and therefore promise to bring back a gift so I tell them I conveniently chose to buy them something like scissors or a pen knife that unfortunately got confiscated on the flight home. So I have to cough up


This was all fine when I was six when everyone was really pleased with like the shietest present like a slinky, or a malfunctioning whoopie cushion, or a pencil case! I mean who on earth ever in their life has sat down and thought to them self, 'you know whats on the top of my list this birthday? a pencil case in the shape of a tiger' no one that's who (though maybe Tracy Beaker she had a pretty deprived child hood so probably fancied herself one.) But people definitely don't want those things anymore and you cant use the excuse 'well my mum picked it out' anymore either. A birthday gift needs to be pretty snazzy and if you're a best friend it needs to mind blowing i.e. Tiffany style.

(We've definitely all had one of these, and look how many there were to choose from! So why was it always the tiger?!)

This is all fine by me because of course the favour will be returned in march for those of us who don't place our birthdays in October, November and February. But when you have quite a few good friends who you really care about then Tiffany's stops becoming your local and you have 0800 OVERDRAFT on speed dial rather than your bestie. This never used to be an issue, I never used to be this popular (there's not a way of me saying that without sounding like the worst person.) Back home home, not uni home but actually home I only have like one friend so she's quite welcome to my money. But in Bristol I have been blessed with many incredible friends so getting gifts can often turn into a game of keeping up with the Joneses.

(This guy has his facebook friends tattooed  to his arm, that's one way to keep track)

And so you end with the lifelong conundrum, live a rich but lonely life (I would use Daniel Radcliffe as an example here because honestly he's not cool enough to be any ones friend but he has some how managed a long term relationship?) or be poor but in good company. Well to end on a completely irrelevant note that proves this whole blog wrong, although I have argued that friendship has its costs, it is priceless.


Bet you feel like you're on a MasterCard advert now 'ey?




And before any of you go to try and kill yourself because of your huge debt here is a reason to stick around a little longer. Some amusing cats, these are all from a website called 'fuck yeah pussy gifs', says a lot about my google searches doesn't it?

We're so kooky here at fashion nerd.

with rings on her fingers and bells on her toes

Going through airport security never used to be an issue for me. I used to scamper through the metal detector without a care in the world because the most metal that was on me was a bit of tin foil that had wrapped some bake good that I binge ate for non stop for the first 14 years of my life leaving me to recompense by eating things like quinoa for dinner.


Anyway going a little off point there. On a recent trip to my local o2 academy for, lets not tiptoe around the issue, a bit of drunken fun. They had installed the super fun feature of a metal detector (so I can't take any scissors out with me anymore, darn.) I hadn't been through a metal detector for a while and this was the most metal detector fun I could afford for a while because heading off to Cannes to meet Mark-Francis and his trusty maid Gianna is a little out of my price range thanks to a certain Estate Agents.


It turned out my scampering days were over it took me a good 10 minutes to get through the metal detector because my jewellery collection no longer consisted of a obligatory pre-teen leather thong necklace with a sickeningly dull shell pendent. 5 rings and several ear cuffs later I was in. This bought to my attention that I have become a jingling jangling jewellery wearing female equivalent of Jack Sparrow.

(no wonder I had so much trouble getting in to the o2)

It is true that over the last few years I have become a lot more magnetic. I never used to wear rings (apart from that one ring I always wear on my right hand that I have worn for so long it has actually merged into my finger leaving a rather embarrassing indent and exposing my chubby fingers, its like my ring has a muffin top.) But my stocking was stacked full of rings last Christmas (take it away George!) So why has jewellery suddenly become such a huge part of my life and am I just downhill from here looking like Jacqueline Wilson at the age of 19.

(I look a little like this but cheaper)

I recently read Closet Confidential in ELLE, Roberta Benteler said that jewellery was her "armour." Lets do a bit of textual analysis. Does she literally mean armour as in she doesn't bash her knuckles when she throws a few punches, in which case I will be absolutely fine in a fight with my plethora of rings plus I no longer have extensions so I don't have to worry about those getting ripped out. Though I don't get myself involved in an awful lot of fisty cuffs and I can't imagine Miss Benteler does either.

(no doesn't look like a jezza k regular)

Armour is something that you can't go into battle without. It is true that a good piece of jewellery swung around your neck can completely flatter you (when I say you I mean me) because it sits right on my only boney part of my body, my collar bone. It's also one of those first date larks you're meant to deal with when you're on a first date (those of you who have dates) something like if you stroke your neck and play with your necklace he'll  (or she'll PC PC!!!) want to have sex with you.


Armour is there to protect you. And now that I think about it, people who have a really edgy tastes and claim to have pretty dodgy lives that lead them to go off the rails tend to have a fair few piercings and wear clunky chains and junk. So do we wear jewellery as a kinda protection (not like a catholic cross that's a whole different kettle of fish) do we actually toughen ourselves up by poking bits of metal through our ears, and protect ourselves by making ourselves looking frighteningly unapproachable (pretty sure that the reason I've had very little man lucky recently is due to the fact that I wear an ear cuff now and not because I'm a man hating cynical hair extensionless bum.)

(she's having a pretty tough times so needs a few piercings to get her through)

I might totally be over analysing and actually my new found love of rings might actually be to do with my total infatuation of Caggie Dunlop, I am completely in love with her and everything she does. I think I'm not the only one though with Urban Outfitters selling out of their two chain rings that she was snapped sporting. I think the reason it works so well on her is because it shows a more free spirited human side to her glamour goddess appearance. A friend once told me that I dress like I'm going to meet the queen, maybe my recent jewellery binge is my attempt to bring me back down to earth and perhaps make me look like I'm meeting a queen but not the queen.

(my kind of queen)

I think all too many of us neglect our necks (and other parts of your body where you wear jewellery but that kind of rhymes.) I think it displays real good taste to wear good jewellery especially not the stuff that's churned out by Tiffany and then by H Samuel and then by new look and then further more by Christmas crackers until there are too many floating heart necklaces in the world. Don't get me wrong they're lovely and all but not from the moment you get it until you die, it's cheating like a get out of jail free card it requires no thought or effort if that's all you wear. Jewellery is the one thing that requires thought in your wardrobe, you cant just look at the doll that the uncreative sales assistant has dressed and wear that.

(Couldn't not have a pic of our Caggs in here)

Proof that we don't pay enough attention to our jewellery was when my very stylish friend told me her absolute favourite was £4.50 reduced from £16 or something silly, its so lovely but no one had wanted it because they didn't want the responsibility of having to chose something to put it with.


Amber, everyone's least favourite character from made in Chelsea (that's the third MIC reference now I need therapy), actually said something that I was like 'hmmmm maybe that gals got a point.' She said 'I'm not one of those girls who can just wear a nice dress and wear my St Tropez as my accessory' (or something to that description I hope they don't sue me for damages cause I can't afford that sh*t.) Does this girl have a point? Is the reason piercings are so sharp because they carve out our individuality? Maybe.

(swear she's used a bit of st tropez...)

Hey all that I know is that cracker jewellery has an advantage when it comes to metal detectors but it will leave you with a nice green line. I definitely am putting any potential suitors off, the amount of rings I'm sporting makes me look like I've been married to some alternative guys a few times over.


I'm feeling like this isn't my best blog funny wise, I'm still in essay mode so apologies, hopefully I'll be back to my hysterical self next week.


God Martha Thursday is bloody arrogant.

Peter Pan

Hi there my little bunnies! 


Right so my reason for my being late is actually valid this week, I had technical difficulties in the way that my Internet shut itself off. I hope that you have also noticed the other technical change on my blog, my 'blogger navigation bar' has gone, see I'm clever like that. Firstly I would like to thank you for all of your helpful suggestions on my facebook page, or not as the case may be. I have to say, little bit disappointed with the amount of people who have liked the page, I have over 300 friends (facebook not actual friends) and a grand total of 30 have liked. I hate you. I might stop.


But I won't because I want something to stick on my CV and I like hearing your (good fans) praises every week.


Anyway so regular readers will know that last week I promised to write about something fashion related, actually do what it says on the tin for once. An obvious choice would be to completely regurgitate what every magazine has said about s/s12, which I will be quite happy to do once I am editor of ELLE and I will have the exclusive, but I figured that wouldn't be very interesting now.


The other day I realised something. This time next year I will be in my last year of uni. I will have a grand total of 5 months of education left in my life, and after that I will have to step out into the great big wide world and offer up my services as a sulky cynical journalist. When I was little my estimations of when you become a grown up is when you leave uni and get a job. If my estimations remain correct I haven't got too long to go. Does this mean I need to start growing up? And, heaven forbid, my wardrobe does too?

(It's not fair. Peter will get to wear his tunic top and green leggings forever.)

One of the fashion's deadliest sins is 'mutton dressed as lamb', it even says in the fashion bible 'thou shalt not bear false garments for thoust age' (it doesn't say that pretty sure there isn't a fashion bible, do correct me if I'm wrong.) I would like to think I'm not quite mutton yet but as Stevie Nicks would say 'I'm getting older too.' 


At news years eve, dressed in star patterned tights, a rainbow star bangle, lightening bolt earrings, a Minnie mouse t-shirt and glittery shoes that Dorothy would envy, I wouldn't have looked out of place stood next to Ant and Dec on SMTV Live as a children's TV presenter. (I was gonna go for a more current children's TV program but I thought it wouldn't wash as well, plus who doesn't love Ant and Dec?)

(not far off my new years eve outfit of choice.)

What does that say about me? Either that I have the sophistication of Hannah Montana (don't get me wrong I love her but that girl is a big hit on the Disney Channel not ELLE and I'm really not hoping to attract the likes of Nick Jonas!) or that maybe the prospect of growing up is scaring me back in to some preadolescence clothing to soften the blow. So when it comes to fashion how do you age gracefully?

(maybe someone should tell Hannah that she can't actually be Hannah Montana forever because one day her grey hairs will peak out from under her wig and she'll have to pick the kids up from school.)

I recently had an ELLE binge (i.e. I read it cover to cover.) I rarely have these now because of lack of funds to buy a magazine when I would frankly rather have a rum and coke. It seems I need to binge more often as I was quite in the dark about current trends (pretty slack seeing as I'm meant to be a fashion blogger.) I had been aware of the a/w 11 'mad men' trends, of sweeping skirts past the knee and a 60's finish. But I was unaware that this trend had carried on into present day wear what with Prada's suburban 50's look meaning I don't have to shave above my knee. 

(I now understand how these ladies can afford Prada, they save so much money by not having to buy Venus razors!) 

As you will have all noticed I'm sure, I am not the best figure head of the knee length skirt. I always try and defend my cheek-y length skirts by blaming it on my height, but who am I kidding probably a little bit slutty (just a little I don't want any smart Alec comments here.) So now that I'm no longer a hormonal teenager trying to get guys to buy an underage girl an apple sour and lemonade perhaps I should adopt a new skirt length and a new style? 


I always thought I would, eventually stop flirting with Primark playsuits and go into a more serious relationship with a Reiss trouser suit, but when's the cut off point? When's the defining moment when you say enough is enough put down your rum and coke, slip off your body con belt (and put something else on hopefully) and grow up. 


I think for a lot of people that would be when you have kids, but for me the idea of me and a baby makes as much sense as vinegar and milk, we would just curdle. I wanna make myself a fantastic career to feed my rum habits and leave the serious stuff for later. I want to wear stupid short sparkly dresses that are impossible to wash for as long as I possibly can, because one day my button will pop on my jeans and I will have missed that chance. 

(frankly I'd rather have another pair of shoes.)

I've been thinking that yeah the fashion industry is telling us to wear these retro grown up looking clothes, but if you think about it they're doing exactly the same thing that I'm doing, reaching back into the past because they're too scared to grown up and face their future. They're probably exactly where I'm gonna be in ten years, alone, alcoholic, baby-less, career driven maniac who's realising they're a little too old for bunker.


As for knowing when to stop wearing skirts up round your midriff, I think you can pretty much define it whenever you get pregnant or have you first serious job or something like that, unless of course you got that job from sleeping with the boss in which case you should probably keep on wearing that skirt.

(well it worked for Bridge)

And if you're like me and feeling a little bit like your futures creeping up on yer, here's a little bit of advice from a woman who has the job I want;

"I was a giddy creature who survived on thin air and no sleep. Being a well dressed woman on the edge suited me. Now I'm a vitamin popping, organic-eating soon-to-be momma, happy as can be with the world's most patient man. I'm living proof that things work out in the end. I've kissed a lot of Muppets to find my man and made many mistakes...My advice? Don't date rock stars, married or gay men (if he's all three, run away. Fast.)... Pay a visit to net-a-porter, you'll worry more about the credit card bill arriving than the fact he left you for someone younger. The 'drinking-until-you-fall-over' method is a good method of getting over boys-as a one-off...Take it from me it will all work out in the end. Never dye your hair to match your pet. Be true to your individual style and don't let money get in the way of a good outfit or the truth in the way of a good story."

- ELLE's columnist, Mademoiselle, she sucks yeah? No she doesn't. I wish she did.

Whenever I feel unsure or worried I think about that. It will work out in the end. It's like when you order a new outfit and it doesn't look quite how you thought, you learn to live with it anyway. 


And I don't hate you I love you, please keep reading my blog so my future does turn out OK.


Last but not least, the blog that I did a guest post for has been nominated for the Marie Claire blog awards. It would be great if you could give it a vote, as both the editor and I would really appreciate it, if your gonna vote for anyone vote for chic and cheerful here- http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/news/fashion/533781/vote-now-best-fashion-blog-and-twitter-feed.html


See you next week bunnies, on Thursday not Friday, Thursday.

The other woman

Right my lovely fans, I did try to write this yesterday, and it started off well with me telling you all what a lovely distraction writing my blog was from the urban outfitters sale. Obviously it ended badly and as a result I now have a hefty £76 worth of goodies arriving at my house any day now (you had to spend £75 for free delivery!) Anyway the point is I am not late because of lack of blog ideas, I actually had a pretty good one and here it goes...


So Saturday night I'm sure you were all in the same predicament that I was. New years eve, far too much rum in the system, and spending the count down alone because you're too busy shouting 'JAGERBOMB!' at the poor bar maid. After this series of events I turned to everyone's favourite intoxicated activity, drunken texts. 

(this is not my phone, but might have well as been.)

My lucky candidate was a Cornish friend as equally intoxicated, so conversation undoubtedly lead to our sad single lives. At one point in the conversation I went on to declare 'You are the love of my life and all we need is each other and then boys are just silly things to have fun with when we're drunk.' (this is not a direct quote, silly bbm deleted.) I was then apparently declaring to everyone that this is what my next blog would be on, and I thought I should act on at least one of my drunken blog ideas so here we go.


I have always been a firm believer in chicks before dicks and in a man's case bros before hoes, it works both ways, your friends MUST come first. I think a certain amount of couples seem to have watched far too many Disney movies or are off their face on laughing gas and think they are gonna be with their current partner forever, yeah right me and my pet flying pig are just gonna walk round to our best friend Johnny Depp's house and discuss when Hell is going to freeze over. I hate to be the bringer of bad news but it ain't gonna happen, in fact I can almost guarantee it for about 99% of these couples (there's always one couple that actually do stay together and we all hate them, also like to acknowledge how statistical I'm being this week and how inaccurate these statistics probably are.)

I know there's gonna be some couples sat there now, reading this together, finding it hard to scroll down the page because they're too busy holding hands, saying 'oah don't worry sweetie, she's just a cynical lonely old b**ch, we'll be together forever.' Nah ahhh, the amount of times I have heard friends say this then watch their relationship wash down the plug hole is UNBELIEVABLE. So when this happens to you I'm just gonna be right there laughing in your face.

(See that look on Lady's face? She definitely is pissed off that, one she's having to share that spag bol and two, this guy, who's punching way above his weight by the way, is about to put his moves on her.)

But the sad thing is, I won't be, I will be the one sat there holding your hand while you watch Love Actually and you say things like 'that used to be us!' (It never did) despite the fact you managed to be having too much fun with your Mr Wrong to ever hold my hand when I'm busy crying over something as pitiful as 13 going on 30.


So this is when I realise that boyfriends do not work. In any situation, your boyfriend, your friend's boyfriend, they don't work. I would just like to point out that I'm not saying boys don't work, I do enjoy the odd boy, just not boyfriends.


I literally hate about 98% of my friends boyfs, maybe that's because I only ever here the bad things about them but still its a pretty high percentage (it would have been 97% but one boyfriend has recently been depleted.) So once upon a time I had an altercation with a friend's boyfriend (was totally all his fault he was so so rude) this then ended up in an altercation with the friend because she stuck by his side, and see boyfriends are the root of all evil.


I think the worst thing in the world (not worse than cancer or atomic bombs but just to emphasise the point) is when a girl substitutes their boyfriend for friends. If anything they're not gonna understand any of your in jokes plus who the hell are you gonna moan about your relationship to? The logistics are mind boggling! The biggest crime is when they try to get you to be friends with their boyf, I wanna spend time with you not your neurotic other half, the only exception is if they were part of our friendship group before, that I can forgive.

(see how much fun that guy on the left is trying to have? he's bought along his board and his friend has bought along his relationship, kill joy.)

I understand that this all sounds a little like a coming out blog, I assure you it's not, you'd know about it if it was. But I see it all the time normal boys turn into boyfriends, go skitz and lock you away like Rapunzel.I have fallen totally in love with male friends before because I have been their ‘number one girl’ or their ‘go-to girl’ and been much more pleased with that complement than I have ever been with any boyfriend.  If friends with benefits actually worked, which as we have realised definitely don't, that is how I would conduct my relationship.

(Gonna be awkward tomorrow)

Right rant over. All I can say is that my drunken text had some truth in it. I think the only healthy way to love someone and have soul mates is with friends cause that is a relationship that can go the distance and if you're lucky you might find a boy who has the same thinking then that's just great. 


Maybe I can get around this issue by having a manfriend rather than a boyfriend? Maybe I should write a blog about fashion next week? Maybe leave helpful suggestions on my facebook page? Maybe I do deserve things from the urban outfitters sale? maybe I should ask my Cornish friend to marry me?


Not looking forward to the friend's questioning 'is it my boyfriend you hate?' It's not gonna be is it.